Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.

   Shredded wheat is OK for breakfast if you like to eat lightly sweetened scarecrows.

   Why does the dryer even need a "more dry" setting. Who wants their clothes only kinda dry?

   It feels like the time of the day when I have a trough of cinnamon toast crunch.

   I'm so good at passwords that even I can't log into my stuff.

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   Picking up women at Jenny Craig meetings can be easy and rewarding but you must carefully weigh your options.

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   maybe I will knock one out before sportscenter

   I got health insurance again! I get to go to a english speaking doctor

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   I decided to see how I looked with a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the racoons and squirrels that it can be done.

   1965-2008: Minorities should be able to vote. 2008, 2012: Black guy elected president. 2013: Let’s rethink that voting rights thing...

   used to go to random weddings back in the day just to put a picture of his junk on every disposable camera.

   I hope all you Heat fans are enjoying this weather! This is what you wanted.