Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.

   Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   With the right person, every inappropriate thing becomes appropriate.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient, it’s about being there when it’s not.

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool yesterday at the local YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..

   Well, New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, was thrown into jail this morning. Looks like he's going from a tight end position to a wide receiver.

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   What's the word for when someone realize that they love you after it's too late? Oh yeah, "get lost loser".