Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them

   Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.

   hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.

   I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.

   "Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people

   Hearing that Jesus loves you and you should let him inside you is very nice... Unless you’re in a Mexican prison.

   Congrats to Nikki Manaj on her latest s hit song!!

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   hey hun!!!! The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   im so drunk I'm seeing red headlights in my rearview mirror

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   this beer sure tastes like Saturday!!

   My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.