Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch...

   St. Patrick’s Day is coming. Last year, I drank an entire bottle of green beer. It turned out to be Scope.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice

   I’m at the age where I have to stop myself from roundhouse kicking someone who says they’re soooo old when they turn 40.

   Top Tip: If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   At the age of 101 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos please.

   This is great! An extra hour of sunshine to melt all the snow.

   So you're telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it's cute, but when I do it I need an intervention?

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but I don't think the cat will like any one of them.

   I just read that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Makes sense to me. I've never eaten a monkey.

   My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching CNN News.

   it was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​

   My yogurt just moved. Would that be Paranormal Activia.

   The only Catholic announcements I’m interested in this week are St. Patrick’s Day Bar specials.

   You know your country is in trouble when Afghanistan sends $50,000 in aid.

   there some unwritten rule that Interstate construction needs to last 30 years?

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I’m overdrawn, I’m gonna tell them “We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it”.

   There is no such thing as men's clogs.