Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks are not?

   Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk?

   Harlem Shake....Off a cliff

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww

   I see you there, trying to get my attention. Flashing me, you're not sexy, you disgust me. All the time I've spent waiting on you, always taking up my time, the promise of greater things...and for nothing! Go away Java update notification.

   Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   Never trust a dog to guard your food.

   Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!