Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who don't swear haven't had the right food and sex.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

   You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

   Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

   I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   Bikers: Representing the 3rd guy from the left on the evolutionary chart throughout modern history.

   I know not with what weapons WW3 will be fought, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

   Gas prices have got everybody driving they're on probation: Straight to work and then strait home.

   you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?

   My generation had Wonder Woman. Your generation has to Wonder if it's a Woman.

   I was told this is where you order Door Dash.....SMH.....

   Hey gurl, are you a public school? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of little kids inside you.

   I would like to have sex with the first woman I ever had sex with just to show her how much better I am now. I'd be like, "Hell yeah baby, look who doesn't cry during sex anymore!"

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   Expecting truth from corporate media is like expecting love from a prostitute. That’s not why they exist.

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.