aaron Funny Status Messages

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   Ground is soft this time of year. But burying a body is hot, sweaty work. And that's how the lemonade industry gets you.

   This is 2011. Giving me $10 to cut your grass will get me as far as mowing "F**K YOU" in it.

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"