Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Dear Santa, Please define good.

   I hate when girls start fights over stupid shi t like whether or not the kid is mine.

   You look friendly. I'll go sit somewhere else.

   Banning Ke$ha's song is almost as embarrassing as admitting you even play Ke$ha on your radio station!

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   The designated driver's most important job is making sure no one gets any tattoos!

   I went out for a jog but quickly came back 5 minutes later because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   The best thing about social media is that you can talk to people without having to put your pants on.

   Making me doubt myself was your first mistake. Underestimating me will be your last.

   Women worry more about hiding their farts than their feelings.

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.

   God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.