Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   No, I don't want extra butter on my popcorn. I'm a boring idiot that hates happiness.

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line