Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does buying her a pair of shoes count as foreplay?

   Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.

   Michael J. Fox's new television show is getting some real shakey reviews

   It's "DRIVING" six white horses, dumbass.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Golf - Because even douchebags need fresh air too.

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.

   I find it funny. If you find it offensive, that’s why I’m happier than you.

   how would you like your steak sir? we've got rare, ultra rare, legendary, fossil, or you can try and catch your own steak in the safari zone

   There's nothing worse than finding out someone you hate has the same taste in music as you.

   Karen on Facebook says… "It's sooo hot! Not sure I'll survive the day!" It's only summer, Karen. It's not like you just landed on Mercury.

   I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle

   Went out and mercifully shot my tomato plants this morning. It was the right thing to do. They were so sick and the government wouldn't help me because I am not legally a farmer....the one died right away, but the second took two bullets.

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   If dialysis saved your life, you may be able to sue someone for money!!

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.