Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.

   If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.

   Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run.

   It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.