Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   Ladies, please send me your height, weight, and body mass index. So I can calculate the amount of alcohol needed for you to think I'm sexy.

   Prison pen pals: Because the odds of getting murdered just aren't high enough.

   To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.

   Don't twerk in front of me and expect me not to gravitate towards that ass

   I'd never leave my wife. She knows too much.

   What you never want to hear at a rest stop out of the stall next to you: "OK, let's see if this flushes."

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I am about to go where no man has gone before.... do you guys need anything from my lesbian friend's house?

   I guess it wasn't video who killed the radio star. RIP Kris' Kraddick...

   Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.

   I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off.

   Bibles arent allowed in schools anymore but are encouraged in prisons. If kids were allowed to read it at school, they may not end up in pison.

   Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...

   Oven = Xbox for women.

   It's always fun to mess with new neighbors. I told the new neighbor across from me "Well at least you made it longer than the last 2 tenants there. They both died there within 2 weeks."

   I'm going to call my congressional representative and ask them to sponsor a bill authorizing the use of drone strikes over the United States.... as long as we can control them from our smart phones and we can target anyone who cuts us off on the freeway.

   "that new iPhone $750? it better play dead if my girl touch it

   Yes, I have a girlfriend. Oh...wait, No...thats a fridge. I have a Fridge.