Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better to have loved and lust, than to never have lusted at all.

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   Don't litter your chaos and drama all over other people's lives.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   Instead of Petronella your parents should have named you Psychonella.

   If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

   My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.

   We're sorry, but this funny p0st is not available from your country.

   I've got hoes in different area codes. (Yes I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)

   It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!

   Just fetched the first watermelon of the year from my garden, so I get it royal baby fans. I totally get that sh*t.

   remember before facebook when you would take a picture of your dinner, get it developed and take it to all your friends houses and show them?. Me neither.

   I need to start watching WNBA b/c it seems like woman are playing NBA players better than NBA players are playing themselves...

   Florida just became my favorite state, since Kanye West said he will boycott Florida!

   george zimmerman looks alot like chaz bono

   the brits have a royal baby we have hoeny boo boo

   Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.

   We fought for independence so we wouldn't have to care about the royal baby.