Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??

   Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute

   If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???

   If this country really cared about itself everyone would quit looking for work so we could get the unemployment rate down to 0%!

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.

   Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol

   "Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't

   Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.

   Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.

   How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??

   I'm extremely charming until you get to know me.