Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake. 
whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban
“Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I knew a girl high school who didn't have an oreo until she was 17. I think about this a lot
Most friends these days are so fake ..I'm sure if we turned them around we would find "Made in China" stickers on their asses !!!!
It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.
My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?
Real men sip that capri sun like its the last one left on earth
Hey squirrel, your tail looks gay
Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you’re bound to get burned.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
I hate the Discovery Channel. I just wasted a bunch of money on 90 ton test fly line.
Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.
Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.
Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.
Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.
A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me." 