Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists, less of that new technology stuff and more of making a device that stops women from asking you questions during the game.

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

   Life and I have creative differences.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Trust me you won't like me when I am hungry.

   The only kind of shark I have actually encountered wears a cheap suit and hangs around court buildings.

   I keep having this reoccurring nightmare where I wake up in the morning and have to go to work.

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   What horrible thing did you do to deserve someone like me?

   Some people wait their entire life for their status to be "liked"..not realizing that it has been p0sted a million times before..

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   if she swollows, is that canabalism?

   The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   I ain't cheap. I am just broke.

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.