Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…

   I knew a girl high school who didn't have an oreo until she was 17. I think about this a lot

   Most ‪‎friends‬ these days are so ‪‎fake‬ ..I'm sure if we turned them around we would find "Made in China" stickers on their asses !!!!

   It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.

   My notifications say i'm being followed by 23 people on here. I wonder how many are Police?

   Real men sip that capri sun like its the last one left on earth

   Hey squirrel, your tail looks gay

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you’re bound to get burned.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   I hate the Discovery Channel. I just wasted a bunch of money on 90 ton test fly line.

   Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.

   Dear Packer Fans; You are allowed to wash your lucky underwear........ Thank you.

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.

   Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the call by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

   X says you know that urge you get to eat something just because its there well that is why I am not a gynecologist

   Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.