Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...

   No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   What do we want? INDIFFERENCE! When do we want it? WHENEVER!

   Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Good thing Obama cancelled the joint military exercise with Egypt next month. I'm sure that will teach the Egyptian army a lesson!

   it looks like a clown threw up on Lady Ga Ga's face

   I'll start spending more time with my Nana when she gets her prescriptions filled.

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!

   Darn it, someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull$hitt. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.