Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat chicks always wanna say "Let me sit on your face". B*tch thats premeditated murder.

   My family was so poor when I was growing up that if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe broccoli doesn't like *you* either?

   And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I'll give women the power to control it."

   Welcome to Vegas,,,,,, Where what you don't know about your bedspread won't hurt you..

   Here's the deal... No matter what state you're in, if you want Meth, find the nearest trailer park.

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   My wife is recovering in the hospital after someone mistook her for a wild boar and shot her. Easy mistake as she was eating an apple at the time.

   Here's the deal... I don't care what state you go to...If you wanna find drugs, just find Martin Luther King Boulevard.

   "I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget do you.

   While working at the Samaritans I got a call from a fella who said he was going to end it all. He was going to pour a gallon of gas over himself and light a match. I told him "Ahmed its times like these you need your family round you".

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Don't treat someone like a chocolate chip cookie who treats you like a raisin cookie.

   6 year old to my iPhone "Cereal, where's the nearest McDonald's?"

   I'm forever grateful that I became a parent n the age of Bluray, portable DVD players, smartphones and iPads.

   Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down

   Facebook should rename itself to Stalkbook!

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.

   The problem with taking the road less traveled... is the poor phone signal...