Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl brought me breakfast in bed, I slowly turned to her and said, ?What are you doing out of the Kitchen??

   Wait!! Its Tim Tebow's birthday today and Tom Brady got hurt..... Jesus take the wheel.

   Asked my wife to try A nal and she turned into the rhubarb lady...

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....

   Michael J. Fox etch-a-sketched the entire New York City skyline in 4 seconds.

   Egypt is burning. Let them deal with their own crazies. It is none of our business. We have enough problems back here in the US.

   so Jessie Jackson JR gets a 2 1/2yr sentence and Blago got 14 years...... So can this make up for the Martin Verdict?

   My wife says "YOU'RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.

   Patti Blagojevich just change her status to we got so screwed with out sentencing

   Sandi Jackson just changed her facebook status to taking the kids to Grandpa Jesses house for a while

   it OK if I abbreviate Oklahoma?

   Just remember that, when it comes right down to it, nobody cares.

   Someone needs to hurry up and locate Tom Hanks before he makes "Castaway 2" in N. Alabama. Spoiler alert: Wilson is a talking pig.

   Gang-related violence in my office is up 25% since this meeting started.

   Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.

   I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too.

   Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!

   The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.

   From Shark week to Mob week. Luca Brasi sleeps with Jaws.