Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least give Mitch Hedberg credit, HYJ.

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

   Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave.

   my wife got mad at me because I ate all six Klondike bars, but it's only obvious that she wasn't willing to do what it took to get one ;)

   I've started watching those crime shows on the Investigation Discovery channel and I'm really getting into it. But I don't watch them for entertainment. I watch them to get new ideas.

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.

   it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I'm trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.

   to make it hotter this winter I'm gonna pollute the environment more to help with global warming

   I refer to my former wife as my XBOX.

   Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...

   No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   What do we want? INDIFFERENCE! When do we want it? WHENEVER!

   Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.