Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Glow in the dark condoms.. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

   Are we sure that Wentworth Miller really wanted to do a "Prison Break"?

   if the answer was "windows 95", how stupid was the question?

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon. I think I'm going to be pretty good at it!

   I learned in Science class that Protons have mass. Wow. I didn't even know they were Catholic.

   The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.

   You show me Karl Mark's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   heres an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets

   "I have your test results," said the doctor. "There's no easy way to tell you this; you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

   I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.

   My sister is going to a theme park tomorrow. I told her to have fun. Frightening to think what could've happened had I not shared that tip

   I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......

   I have nothing against black folk. One of my best friends thinks he is black.

   Which one of you ladies wants to be my next mistake?

   I'm worried because a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She says she will use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   When I was your age...I was your age.