Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   You think you're superior to us? We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later."

   I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.

   HIV doesn't turn into AIDS if you have a magic johnson.

   Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.

   A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person

   Nah you don't deserve credits or being "beautiful" if yet it is obvious you had a good make up artist and a great photographer...

   You compliment me...I'll complicate you.

   I'd tell you to kiss my @ss but you'd probably fall in love with it and stalk me.

   the center of a doughnut is completly fat free!

   Anyone else wonder what happens to Oscar on trash day?

   I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?