Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dihydrogen Monoxide Containment Unit. Warning: May cause diaphoresis micturition and acute tissue hydration.

   Being alive is so expensive.

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin

   "We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."

   Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   I'm eating a McGriddle in the McDonalds ball pit telling kids facts about Benghazi. the manager is spraying me with a hose but I won't leave.

   Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...

   Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...

   Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that.

   Does Stephen Hawking think that automated calls are making fun of him?

   Great music lives on in perpetuity to those who seek it.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   I have only one problem with women peeing in public.They never wink back.

   Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

   The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.