Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.

   Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow's milk.

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   I would like my tombstone to read: I told you guys I didn't feel good.

   The key to successful relationships is to not start one.

   My ex-girlfriends favorite bird was the swallow.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   No one will ever love you as much as I don't.

   Nothing says Responsibility like a woman taking her birth control pill with a shot of Tequila.

   this girl I'm seeing hates when I stalk her,well I'm not actually dating her yet.

   i think schools should start teaching chinese and punjabi,since thats the only people that work at tim hortons!

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.

   Feeling Ugly...go hang out in Wal-Mart for a few hours.

   Nutella...the only reason I buy bread.

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok