Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   My significant other is all warm and wet this morning..I love my coffee!!!!

   Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

   Remember a few years ago when Jamie Foxx said Miley Cyrus would end up on a stripper pole and he had to apologize? I think everyone owes Jamie Foxx an apology.

   Amanda Knox will not be going back to Italy for her second murder trial. Well, duh....

   shootin deer drinkin beer. its all I think about

   Not having a thigh gap has saved my girls' phones from falling into the toilet.

   Music will be just fine.... Miley's twerking or not

   When you were 18, Miley Cyrus was 2. How was the Twerking for you, Robin Thicke?

   If Miley ever twerks again, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be unleashed.

   In my case significant other refers to my liver.

   I don't step on people's toes, I trip and fall.

   The key to a successful relationship is to love each other and make fun of the same things.

   The worst stage of any relationship is when you're having sex but still not comfortable enough to fart.

   In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.

   Girls who say they're in a relationship with Jesus are basically dating a guy they've never met & has been dead for over 2000 years.

   "That's a dent from my girlfriend's butt from when I ate her out on the hood." I said to the Insurance Agent. He just clicked his pen.

   It's not easy being flesh and blood in a world full of plastic people.

   Miley you just broke my heart... my achy breaky heart.

   If Miley Cyrus wore a g-string, you'd still be able to see the string.