Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part bout your girlfriend also being your best friend is that she won't dump you when she walks in on you sleeping with her best friend.

   “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.

   My girlfrand said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't get women.

   If you ever want to know what it sounds like three feet up a cow's azz just listen to lovers talk.

   The U.S. always has an agenda when they enter a country. For example, oil in Iraq. I think the agenda in Syria is to ensure Israel's safety.

   they call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   My doctor said I should drink more wine. Well, he actually said "less beer", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant...

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   so a pony doesn't grow into a horse?

   I had my ex for dinner to discuss some things and she told me the dinner was amazing. Little did she know my tears seasoned that steak.