Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.

   Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   Sooooo turtles don't eat pizza?

   I ran into a women at the grocery store. She was wearing a tshirt with the word GUESS written across the front. I said 34C. My face still hurts.

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   Technically, it isn't pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.

   "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" because "Slowly Falling Into Crack Induced Alcoholic Depression" just doesn't roll off the tip of your tongue.

   You can tell if someone is getting any booty or not, just by the way they post...

   I'm trying to make a Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twerking

   Someday my neighbors will describe me as "Just a quiet guy who kept to himself."

   Got divorced 5 years ago and just found a box of baking soda in the fridge. It's still good, right??

   If "it's what is on the inside that matters" then why do they sell so much make-up?

   I went to my annual visit to the dentist. 3 lost teeth and blood everywhere. But at the same time, because he really hurted me, he deserved it.

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   Speaking of IKEA, I think the phrase "Some assembly required" is Swedish for "Here's a pine log and some nails."