sean Funny Status Messages

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   The neighbors said we could use their hot tub so I'm deep-frying a deer.

   My girlfriend said she wanted to take me to see Magic Mike, I was really excited until I realized she was not talking about my drug dealer from college..

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   It's cute how "America's Got Talent" focuses on singing & dancing instead of our real talents: overeating & complaining.

   Hunters, you shouldn't wear camo you should dress like cars. Deer will walk toward you and hope you kill them.

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett