SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.

   I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so screw you babies.

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.