LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...

   i renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

   This is a mean,cruel world & I want my nappy & medications right now!

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   Well,today was a total waste of makeup.

   Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.

   Cheryl Cole changed her relationship status to "single". 45 million people liked this.

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   If actions speak louder than words,then why can't I hear mimes?

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   The difference between divorce and legal seperation is that legal seperation gives a husband time to hide his money.

   My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.They kept fighting tooth and nail.

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.