Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   John McCain's next campaign should be sponsored by Full Tilt Poker.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

   TODAY I went in to have that all important "Special" check up that all men of a certain age should have, which leads me to this question; is it normal for a proctologist to have a tip jar on the examination table?

   I am so overwhelmed by the birthday love, and SO underwhelmed by the birthday gifts!!!!

   I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.

   Have you ever noticed that farts are always blamed on ugly people.

   Sorry for my poor English, I'm American.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.

   Do Australians refer to the rest of the world as "up-over"?

   Ariel Castro's last words to the guards were "I'm going to go hang out in my cell for a while."

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   The irony is,, Girl dogs do not even talk about their girl friends behind their backs...

   Ariel Castro may be dead but Casey Anthony is still out there

   I bet Obama takes credit for finally getting Castro.

   Women spend more time thinking about what men think…….. But men do not actually do any thinking……

   I wanna get a tattoo of a grape, that way when I'm old and wrinkly it turns into a raisin. .

   Ariel Castro found dead in cell. Hell is burning a bit brighter today. Its the feel good story of the day...

   I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f$$ing hit it.

   When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.