Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look Left -----> You Failed

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   I guess I could learn from my mistakes, but it just sounds like too much work.

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   Every so often I'll start dating again, just so I can take a break from ruining my own life to focus on ruining someone else's.

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   Boys don't make passes at girls with flat asses, pass it on.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   If Drake rapped about coming out of the closet: I started as a bottom, now I'm queer!

   97% of women over the age of 25 who have "never done that before" have done that before.

   A memory of grade school math just popped into my head. The images I associated with the alligator eating the larger numbers still haunt me!

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.