Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?

   Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.

   I call the Suicide Hotline from a pay phone, fire one round into the air and drop the phone.

   Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

   Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.

   illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes

   I have a clever way with words. You might say I'm a cunning linguist.

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because there is a lot of bullsh*t going on that side.