Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am 50 years old and I still have the same body I had when I was 21! the only thing wrong with it is,it could probably do with a good iron.

   Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL

   Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!

   You know why nobody has gotten a GPS location on Obamas cell phone to take him out. Because he has several million citizens under his plan so you'd miss every time. . .

   As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

   Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween.

   "40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.

   First they came for the communists and I didn't speak out. Since then everything's been pretty good, plus no communists!

   I'm such a nice guy, I signed my ex-wife up for one of those free bi-polar studies.

   Dear "New FM102", you've been "new" for 4 years now. Stop.

   We were so poor when I was a kid, the only reason our house stood was because the termites were holding hands!!

   I'm sorry Burger King employee but if you want me to support you making $15 an hour, you 1st have to prove to me you can grasp the concept of "NO PICKLES"!!! We'll work on that jacked up attitude later...

   The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.

   An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the SAME DATE of the YEAR as the initial event. Some people tend to think 1 month is an anniversary. You're welcome.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   Show me a lot of cleavage, and I'll foget you in a minute. Show me a hint of cleavage, and you'll be on my mind all day..