Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   I'd give Floyd Mayweather another $75 if he turned around and knocked Justin Bieber clean out of the ring.

   Justin Bieber probably payed Mayweather to walk next to him.

   On a scale of J ew to Floyd Mayweather, How much do you love money?

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way.

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?

   Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.

   I call the Suicide Hotline from a pay phone, fire one round into the air and drop the phone.

   Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.