Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Online classes are just a way to get people to go to class without wearing pants.

   Some girl on Facebook just posted “so happy, nothing can bring me down” Who has the heart to tell her about gravity?

   Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is most disappointing for the children of teachers..!

   Not every idiot can read........But look at you go!

   I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30!

   The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!

   You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?

   In any kind of relationship…you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning……

   Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!

   If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and a woman doesn't hear him, is he still wrong?

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed

   Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.

   Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...

   This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   Oh I'm sorry, does my repeat check ins at the gym remind you of how lazy you are?

   i think this world wide web thing has ran is course!

   I'm so glad I just downloaded my iDon'tcare7, at least now I can't be disappointed like all the apple users.

   I just spilled some water on my bed...boom, waterbed.