Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?

   Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.

   I call the Suicide Hotline from a pay phone, fire one round into the air and drop the phone.

   Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!

   Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...

   The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

   Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.

   illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes

   I have a clever way with words. You might say I'm a cunning linguist.

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because there is a lot of bullsh*t going on that side.

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   You lose your wallet on the bus,,,, later, you see the same bus wearing a new pair of sunglasses, and a gold watch