Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!

   At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!

   Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   it's funny how that guy gives us Americans enough credit to know who Nina Davuluri is.

   Still trying to figure out how that guy with a neck tattoo in that p orn I watched earlier got employed at a law firm.

   Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.

   You know your life took a turn for the worst when you get interviewed for a job opening by someone old enough to be your grandchild.

   Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked!

   I bought a counterfeit money detector pen, You should see the expression on my dope mans face when I used it to check the change from the 8-ball...

   I made a desicion to practice celibancy,and my right hand asked if we separated....

   I know he's not good for me. I think I love him. -women

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

   Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.

   Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.

   Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.

   The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!