Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.

   Holy shit, I just found out time travel is possible. You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com

   Marks & Spencer have apologised for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. If you're one of the vegans who mistakenly ate one of those salads ...That's why it was so yummy!

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently, like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respec

   Every notice Bl acks are too good to eat a Buger King but they are good enough to get off the interstate come in make a mess of the restroom and leave.

   Do Obama phones immediately quit working if the government shuts down? Asking for a friend......

   Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.

   I have to do my duty and report to jury service...hehehe I said doody!

   Since ios7, Everytime I unlock my phone, I see the Breaking Bad theme and have to do the BAow... Bow Bow Bow.. in my head.

   I'm CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!

   It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed p orn.

   Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death.

   Walmart Guy: Sir, it should take about thirty minutes for your oil change. If you want to do some shopping, we will call your name out over the loudspeaker when we are finished. Me: If you want to live, you will not call my name out over the loudspeaker.

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   I like clothing that has little hidden pockets. It's like they made it knowing I was going to put my weed in there.

   How many weight watchers points are pot brownies?

   I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".