Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material. 
Any one just watched the Boss metaphor the Prez just use? You cant ask your Boss for a raise, and when he doesnt give it to you....you shut down the PLant!...I tried that and got arrested right there at Mcdonalds!
It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.
I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.
Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.
If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.
Don't judge my Playboy subscription, You "Fifty Shades of Grey" reading Harlots!
Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.
Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.
If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.
Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.
Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!
How have Christians not used the "dinosaurs died off because they were all gay" argument yet?
And then God presented to Moses two antacid tablets, saying, "Thou shalt not eat the spicy Doritos locos taco."
"He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.
It's official! I just bought my first bag of Halloween candy...that will NOT make it to Halloween.
I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...
FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW 