Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

   Winters getting close here. Yesterday it was so cold that I seen a Lawyer walking around with his hands in his own pockets

   Lets not get overly excited about the government shutdown, Walmart is still open!

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   The American Bald Eagle is no longer the National Bird. It has been changed. It is now Obama's middle finger!

   The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head, so now I don't know who to listen to anymore.

   I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."

   You can't really blame sharks for attacking swimmer. If some random guy walked into my house wearing nothing but speedos, I'd probably attack him as well!

   Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   come to think of it I DO recieve foodstamps its called US Currency and its in the form of a paycheck!!

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....

   Stop with the over used old posts , if we want old stuff we know where to look , now bad to the funny NEW stuff please..

   So America had enough money to go to war with Syria but don't have enough money to survive as a government. Priorities.

   Keep scrolling...if you want to see what position manchester United is on the log.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.