Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot.

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   America was not shutdown properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without corrupt politicians? (Recommended)

   I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...

   Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?

   Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I heard the Buffalo Bills are selling a new item.....Player numbered hospital gowns.....

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...

   Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

   Dear Straight People: Take Justin Bieber back. We don't want him either. -G@y People

   I've watched pretty woman about 3 times tonight.Note to self hookers get millionares.

   I found the G spot. It's at the end of "shopping."

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))