Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.

   Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.

   I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

   hroughout the shutdown if you need someone to ignore your basic needs while taking a sizable percentage of your earnings, I’m here for you.

   I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.

   The look you give to someone who is naked is a lot different from the look you give them with clothes on. . .

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   Did we try giving the government a snickers?

   I think the government needs to create a "dollar menu". Might not be "Healthy" , but It definitely saves money.

   Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying.

   it's tourettes you Fu*king Dumba$$

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   That camel is so vain. You don't see any humpback whales asking random people what day it is.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   Now that the government is closed, I am taking over thee country and claiming legal rights as President, you all answer to me now. . .

   Government just came out with a new doll...It's called a welfare doll. You wind it up and it quits working.