Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.

   the only people who are against drugs are the ones who sucked at doing them!

   Every once in a while I'll part way too much to remind myself how much of an idiot I am.

   dude, where's my government

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   Women claim they want honest men but dare you not blame the obesity on the dress.

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Drake.

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?