Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   I need a toothpick to remove this prius that is stuck on the grill of my hummer

   Neighbors just complained about the sex noise coming from our house last night. Well, the jokes on them cause I wasn't even home last night.

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   What do frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common? Some idiot didn't take it out in time.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   If you won't wear a chef's hat while pleasuring me orally, I don't see this relationship going anywhere

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.

   Hey chubby shirtless guy with the pierced nipples at the kids' soccer game. Nope.

   Dudes with your Chihuahua on a leash HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT BEAST AT BAY???

   While installing a program, when it asks many time, "Are you sure?"Well now I'm not sure! :))

   G ay squirrels probably never know if their buddies are talking about sex or food.

   Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on.

   Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.

   Does a piece of sh*t know it's a piece of sh*t or does it think it's awesome?