Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else?

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.

   I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the centre go to hell.

   I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.

   Ever thrown a cat into a swimming pool? Same thing happens when you think a woman is mad and ask “are you mad?”

   I think I'm going to post the Constitution in my Facebook status. That way the government might read it.

   If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith

   Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

   I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...

   Callous: adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

   Education: n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

   Out of the 20 richest women in the world, only one did not inherit their money from their husband or father!

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.

   Dont forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that dont work as hard as you...

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.