Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus

   My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.

   God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.

   Sorry I sneezed cocaine on your baby.

   When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"

   Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

   Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.

   A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.