Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   Born again? Why? Was the first time really that bad?

   There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet.

   Why do people say "everyone is entitled to their own opinion" after saying something really stupid?

   It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.

   I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted

   Oral in the morning.... because your breath smells like ass anyway.

   I like to hit snooze from the back.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it.

   it aint about obama its about yo mama

   Science is for the egotistical that think man has all the answers

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"