Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.

   Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...

   Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.

   I'm having a bad day. Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you ↘.

   They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

   Gone are the days when journalism was just about sharing information and not about sharing personal opinions, prejudice, bias and judgment.

   Yeah I used to be a people person but then people went & F#%ked that all up :l

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.