Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   Destroy you're Ex by calling them you're previous Ex next time you bump into them.

   Thinking about free healthcare and how much it's going to cost me?

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

   My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.

   An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.

   it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?

   Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .

   So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"