Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back in the day, Mom gave us 2 dinner choices. What she cooked or jack $hit....

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.

   I wonder If butterflies get humans in their belly????

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   Like if you have a healthy mind, unlike if you don't.

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.