Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   its Columbus Day! Find some people who look comfortable and make them move!

   note to self........when arguing with the wife at a public get together "Go wait in the car for me" is not a smart thing to say

   I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.

   Columbus was in Puerto Rico in the 15th century. Pocahontas was 17th century Virginia. FAIL!

   It must take an awful lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.

   I tried to decorate for Columbus day......but there really isn't ANY decorations out there for it.....so I threw a VHS tape of Pocahontas onto the font lawn....I will have to do...

   National No Bra Day was off the hook.

   Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

   A JOB you say? You mean when the person @ the top (CEO) makes the most money, then the vice-president below, then middle management, then store managers/supervisors, then the hard-working employees at the bottom. Hmmm looks like a pyramid scheme to me.

   Thanks, commercials. Thanks to you, handing my wife a Snickers has become a "statement."

   Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...

   I wonder. Is it considered non-kosher to watch a Kevin Bacon movie?

   You know how drivers convicted of DUI have those breathalyzer ignition locks? Some people need this for their smartphones, facebook, twitter, etc.

   National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

   Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.

   How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?