Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...

   There's a kid in my son's class who has epilepsy and loves pizza, so we call him "Little Seizure," and, well, we're going to Hell.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   Life isn't like a box of chocolate. It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow..

   Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends' profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I'm jelly" "sexy much?!"

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

   Dear teachers, we appreciate all you do but for 12 years of public schooling, all I heard was about how low teacher pay was. Maybe you weren't paying attention...

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the cold and shade in the heat

   I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well)

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?

   My Doctor tried telling me I'm suffering from a split personality, I told him he was incorrect, as we're both just fine.

   Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.

   Man if I don't get my ex back today thisis the 742nd last straw!

   My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.