Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

   I love gas stations that sell fireworks, that's like prostitutes that sell rope and shovels

   Her yoga instructor is the only person who can get away with telling my girlfriend to relax.

   Sometimes I'll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.

   “That’s my jam” - Something my neighbour says when she’s in my kitchen.

   Just burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza and now I totally understand what betrayal feels like.

   The hardest part of breaking up is finding somewhere to dump the body.

   Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be

   You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you're already there.

   You know who really hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   I'm beginning to think its better to be wrong and stupid than right and miserable.

   The US government to China: "We'll pay you back, we promise. Just as soon as we're done dividing by zero."

   Wait....the government was shutdown?

   Nothing hotter than a big sl0ppy tub of lard with a butterfly tattooed on her b00b.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.

   The shutdown is over. Now instead of sitting at home doing nothing the government employees can go to work and do nothing.