Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream car is a food truck.

   Once was a man named BARACK, EVERYTHING he said was a CROCK, He talked with a SMILE as he LIED all the while...."OBAMACARE'S Great! Ask your DOC"

   I'm available if you wanna dance with somebody or wanna feel the heat with somebody... just sayin.

   Technically speaking, a Twinkie is a sandwich, right??

   Everyone grows old but not everyone grows up.

   This girl I know is having a baby shower at McDonallds hahahahah this isn't a joke....I wish it was but it's not

   Facebook must be prepping for upgrade, the new one will suck you in faster than a Hoover vac held by a prisoner who hasn't seen a woman in 20 years!

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   My Facebook wasn't working this morning, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people....

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco

   "What's your pet hate?",.. "Well he doesn't like it when I stick my finger up his arse!"

   On a scale of 1 to 69, how bad do you want me?

   Every room is a waiting room without you.

   Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn't even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   The best thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for Taco Bell.

   All we want is a cheaper government. We elect governments so they can take good care of us and not the other way around.

   It always seems like a good idea, but invariably somebody is disappointed in a threesome.

   Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he's making noises with his gum

   GAYS: if you drive a Fiat, you don't need a rainbow sticker. We already know.