Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out. 
Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.
If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.
10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.
Report out of Nashville: Dolly Parton in traffic accident. Her dual "airbags" obviously saved her life. 😊
The Gladys Have Been Rebranded As The "VAGIANTS" Next Year They Will Be starting their first year in THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE
Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.
Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.
How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment
Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.
My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think
Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.
Oh yeah, well this girl I know had her baby shower in the rec room in the projects. I wish it was a joke to, but it is not... lol
The difference between Republican and Democrat is the difference between Gonorrhea and syphilis ..ENJOY !!!
The Director of Obamacare just asked for FEMA assistance...
I tried Obama's 1-800 number...... It's is a disaster too. Your best bet is to stuff an ObamaCare application into a bottle and throw it in the ocean.
Today Facebook was down, so I had to actually talk to my people that didn't live in my computer... I haven't done that in a few years, hope I don't get sick!
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east... 