Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   Back in my day we also drank underage, we just weren't stupid enough to take photos of our illegal actions and then display them for all to see..

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."

   Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   Bowing to pressure from the NFL has announced that the Washington Redskins will change their name to the Redskins. They said the name "Washington" made them feel lowdown and slimy

   My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...

   Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.

   I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!

   ♫ Old Macdonald abused his sheep, R.S.P.C.A ♫

   Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.

   If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.

   just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list