Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Shout out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention.. Stay classy!!

   If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

   Men underestimate us we reach our full potential which is crazy illogical overeactions.

   If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.

   When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus

   My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.

   God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.

   Sorry I sneezed cocaine on your baby.

   When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"