Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder If butterflies get humans in their belly????

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   Like if you have a healthy mind, unlike if you don't.

   True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)

   Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.

   To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.

   Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.

   Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

   My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.

   I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.

   There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars.

   Maybe if the crowed showed a bit of appreciation and stopped t-rollin contributors maybe there would be more funny material for you to copy and paste to your FB.

   Do you know why you’re pressing unlike button that many every day; because, most of time, people are talking and thinking of their own interests.

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.