Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

   Has anyone created a national do not poke list for Facebook yet?

   “Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??

   With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number.... "One nation, indivisible..."

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats

   Whenever I feel like my life sucks, I go to Walmart , then I feel better

   #Throwbackthursdays , The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks

   Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons

   We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a f**k.

   Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

   Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   Rams Call List: 1. B̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ ̶F̶a̶v̶r̶e̶, 2. T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶ ̶B̶r̶a̶d̶s̶h̶a̶w̶, ..., 77. Jim Everett, 78. Corpse of Johnny Unitas, 79. Tim Tebow