Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The girl I like said yes! She wants to marry me! It's like this gun I'm pointing to her face is magical.

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"

   you know somethings wrong in this culture when a math teacher makes $30,000 a year and Kanye can rent the AT&T stadium and propose to Kim with a 15 carat diamond and all he sings is crap music

   I was so confused as a kid, my parents said "Don't take candy from strangers". Then on Halloween they sent me to random strangers door for candy.WTH was that about?

   if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out.

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.

   10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

   Report out of Nashville: Dolly Parton in traffic accident. Her dual "airbags" obviously saved her life. 😊

   The Gladys Have Been Rebranded As The "VAGIANTS" Next Year They Will Be starting their first year in THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

   Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Eat a banana lengthwise if you don't want anyone to sit by you.

   My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.

   Oh yeah, well this girl I know had her baby shower in the rec room in the projects. I wish it was a joke to, but it is not... lol