Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg

   I once masturbated to a nude pic of Kim Kadarshian and caught herpes.

   BBM = another attention seeking part of social media where ppl follow and not talk to eachother!

   I'd love to see the headlines if the day ever came that Arnold Schwarzenegger was diagnosed with a tumor.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   Next Easter falls on 4/20. If that's not a sign from God that weed should be legalized, I don't know what is.

   Kanye West speaks about his recent engagement to Kim Kardashian... "I just can't wait for her to take my First name."

   This is actually Kanye West's second marriage, as he's been divorced from reality for many years now.

   Even if I hit the gym hard, the best I could hope for is to be 1950's Tarzan shape.

   Note to future husband: reserve Comerica Park for proposal.

   Kanye West spent nearly $3,000,000 to propose to Kim. Let that sink in for a moment.

   Wait... are Republicans mad at Obama because his website isn't good enough at doing a thing they hate?

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   Since Kanye couln't get Kim a start on Hollywood he put on her hand. Must be nice to be RICH you arragant crap rapper!!

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   First 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get in the shower, I don't wanna get in the shower. Next 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get out of the shower, I don't wanna get out of the shower...