Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words.

   What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ...

   I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?

   R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....

   My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.

   As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?

   If Jesus did jokes and not parables he’d probably have more than 12 followers.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.

   A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”