SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Saw a baby holding a silly green cellphone rattle, fat colorful plastic keys and a KEEP MOVIN' shirt. Take the hint baby, grow up & get out.

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

   My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"