SEAN Funny Status Messages

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   If the world was really going to end wouldn't all the expiration dates be set for December 23rd or whatever day it is.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   The battery to my car remote died and I had to manually open my door like some parachute pants wearing break dancer from the dang 80's.

   I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.