Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.