Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   The answer to the giraffe riddle is EYES.

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

   Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.

   If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?

   Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I "accidentally" put it in your butt.

   Our friends don’t understand our obsession with trying to write clever, original status updates to post online... They wonder why we don’t just copy and paste our status updates like everyone else does.

   Now that I’m over the hill, I’m happy to report I can still do all the things could do when I was in my 20’s. … well, at least the things I can remember.

   When I was younger I went through a lot of bad relationships. I’m ashamed to admit more than once I’ve let a fool kiss me, and more than once I’ve let a kiss fool me.