Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards.

   I like walking in wally world an catching someone staring at me..I turn real quick and stare right back at them with my big eyes and when they look away I yell (I WIN) and high Five myself!!!!

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I'm watching.

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

   I don't want to set the world on fire........just you.

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

   Don't keep asking me why I am silent. I'll talk to you when I have something to say. Okay?

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business..

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of back in 70 Years..

   How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..

   WHATS THE NAME OF THE SHOW WHERE THEY CATCH CRABS " JERSEY SHORE"

   Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. The only KKK that will let bIack guys inside them.

   Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.

   I don’t trust people who smile at 8AM on Mondays…