Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   I had a good Halloween, I went on the cheap and gave out ketchup, mustard and soy sauce condiments that I've been saving from take out for the past year. . .

   Forget love and lust, I just want to find someone I can be comfortable with and not have to hold my farts in when I am with them. . .

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   People are more violently opposed to fur than leather probably because it's safer to harass rich women than Hell's Angels

   If someone toilet papered my house tonight tht would be great because we're out of toilet paper

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   Match.com. #1 in dates, marriages, divorces and restraining orders...

   I wonder what Rob Ford is handing out for treats tonight....

   My boss asked me why I wasn't working today. I dont him I was going as Obama Care for Halloween

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   free candy and football. my kinda Thursday

   For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.

   I have a thing for haters. It's called a middle finger.