Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is so dumb. It's just me and her alone in the living room and she turns around and says "who's farted"

   Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

   A recent study determined the #1 reason couples divorce is because women are f#$%ing crazy!!

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes

   Snooki cried so hard when she got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. It wasnt cuz she lost or anything like that, its cuz she realize she is going to be broke for halloween

   My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.

   Jehovah's witness evangelizing to a Chinese guy. Jehovah's witness - Asks " Do you know Jesus?" Chinese Guy - Answers "No, but ifi you gifi sample I make for u!"

   If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   The answer to the giraffe riddle is EYES.

   According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((