Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   So, where's the reset button on this life thing?

   Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.

   Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.

   You break her jaw we break your legs...and arms...and back.

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   Dear Obama, Have you tried sending a mix tape to Syria? Try Africa by Toto. Nobody can resist Africa by Toto.

   If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.

   what I do when I black out is none of my business.

   Wait! So you're saying there are women out there that like having the sex?

   Yes, tell me about the time you were cool. I love fiction.

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer